Last week I shared with you my perspectives on “How to Solve Your Problems,” and I received some interesting feedback and questions. If you haven’t yet had a chance to read that blog post, I recommend you read it before going further.
Today I thought I’d share how one of those interactions went on Facebook. Annette wrote…
“What if the person or persons are toxic, blames everything on you, or is always criticising you (dumb, never be good for anything) or blaming (my problems are yours because you won’t fix them or give me $). Is my perception of that wrong? If I view it differently what will happen? What about verbal abuse?”
Those are interesting questions. Because we all are unique individuals with unique experiences, only you will know the real answers to those questions in your own life if you are able to completely view it differently (including both conscious and subconscious beliefs).
One thing I have observed in my own experience…
As I change, the relationships I have with others changes as well. Other people respond differently to my deeper sense of Strength, Courage, Willpower, Peace, Presence, Joy, Authenticity, and other qualities.
Some people are melted by the peace and Courage and come closer to me… they open up. Some people are inspired, encouraged, or calmed. Other people distance themselves.
One thing is certain: There are still people who judge me, and their judgments don’t hurt as much or even at all.
Thank you! I didn’t think about my detaching (or actually my lack of it) as being the answer. Maybe after 45 years my mindset was stuck! If it effects me, maybe that means some part of me agrees with them. Ouch, that hurts! Growing pains! I think this is a major step in my life. I can’t thank you enough!
Yes. Most of the time when you feel upset by something somebody says about you, there’s a part of you (often subconscious) that does agree with them. A really simple example is:
If you were the best in the world at something ~ for example a World Champion Pool Player ~ and somebody said “You’re pretty bad at pool” you’d just shrug them off.
On the other hand, if you’re an aspiring pool player and somebody said the same thing, you might think, “Wow. They might be right. Maybe I should just give up now and save myself unnecessary pain in the future.”
We do the same thing with emotions.
If you know that you’re deeply rooted in love, and somebody says you’re “Not very loving” then it’s pretty easy to recognize that it’s the OTHER person projecting their lack of love onto you. They don’t feel loving, so they view the entire world (including you) as not being loving.
On the other hand, no matter how loving you may be, if somebody says that you are “Not very loving” ~and you believe that not being loving is a “bad” thing~ then you’ll likely feel sad, upset, unloving, etc as a result of that person’s comment.
So yes you’re right. As long as some part of you (conscious or subconscious) agrees with negative judgments from other people, then you will feel emotional pain.
Since I’m on this path with you, that happens to me sometimes. It’s not fun when I notice that I feel judged (or judgmental). Fortunately, I also recognize that it is an opportunity for me to recognize where I’m still identifying with negative judgments. That awareness enables me to shift my attention and focus to the inner work I need to do to become more wholly integrated.
To circle back to the original question from Annette…
When you change your inner world, your experience of the outer world will also change. Both are inextricably linked. So much so that many people will even respond differently to you than they did prior to you making inner changes.
And when that happens, there’s an incredible opportunity for more “problem solving” using new states of consciousness (awareness).
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